I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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