i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Pooping to opera.
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