Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
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He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
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party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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