i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
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He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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