oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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