I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We need to get me chipped asap
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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