I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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