I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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