I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize