I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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