I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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