I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
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I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
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