Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
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You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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