i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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