I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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