you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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