Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize