I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize