I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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