Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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