the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize