all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
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I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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