It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
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Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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