She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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