Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
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He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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