The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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