Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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