Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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