There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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