I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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