There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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