Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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