She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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