I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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