So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
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you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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