Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
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Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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