Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
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Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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