the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
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Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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