im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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