mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
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He? As in you personified your dick?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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