Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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