My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize