the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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