don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
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a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
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I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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