my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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