I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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