I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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