I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
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Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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