I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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