when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
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Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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